In September and October 2007, Bob Servant kept a daily blog. Then he stopped because it was making his head hurt. However, he now sends out an equally sensational weekly newsletter. Sign up for free through the link above.
2nd November 12.15
Well, well, well, well, well. What a day. What a brunch! I must say I’ve never really understood brunch before, I thought it was something to do with food, but this morning was probably the best morning I have had since 1999 when I found a tenner in Queen Street and then beat Chappy at dominos with the whole of Stewpots watching because it was going to be his 100th win in a row and they had a photographer from the Evening Telegraph there and everything.
I got up at eight because I was just buzzing and pulled together a really nice outfit. I wore my suit and even put a hanky in the top pocket like Perry Mason used to wear on the telly then headed up Stewpot’s. Chick Devine and Terry Darcus were working and Chick said Christ Bob, you look wonderful and Terry said that I looked like a million dollars and I said thanks lads just something I threw on and we all laughed. Nipper Kolacz and Hamish Instrell were in there drinking with Pop Wood and they all clapped and Hamish did a wolf whistle.
Then everyone turned up, it was incredible. Even Daz was there. He said he had double Geography but he couldn’t miss this for the world and I said well just don’t tell your Mum it was my idea and he said well who’s idea should I say it was? And I said, just say it was Frank’s. We had Tommy’s special punch but to be honest it gave me a bit of a sore tummy and so I didn’t have any more because I wanted to be sharp for Slim’s sausage challenge.
When Stewpot brought out the sausages a few people cried foul. They were insane, great big things like logs that he’d had specially made at Berkeley’s Butchers. He said he was going to get them battered at Maciocia’s chip shop but it was shut so that was something at least. Usually for the challenges the sausages are Cumberlands but this was a step up and I said come on Stewpot this is a bit much but Slim just tucked a napkin over his jumper and said that a good workman doesn’t blame his tools.
He was sweating buckets. Frank was drying his head with beer towels and Chappy and me were massaging a shoulder each. Honestly, you should have seen Slim get through the sausages, I don’t think I have ever seen a man at the top of his game like that. He got to the last three and held them up, right up to his eyes, and shouted take a good look you bastards then shoved them all into his mouth. Father O’Neill crossed himself and Daz started crying and for a minute it looked like Slim was asleep.
I shouted for Christ’s sake Slim don’t be a hero and Frank was yelling for him to spit them out and how he’d always be Frank’s hero whatever happened (which I have to say I found a wee bit hurtful as I always pictured myself as Frank’s hero) but then Slim’s jaw just started slowly moving.
My God, you could have heard a pin drop as Slim chewed those sausages. Then he opened his eyes, winked at Stewpot and said,
‘Any chance of a toastie?’
I will tell you right now that the bloody roof nearly came off. People were shouting and crying and slapping Slim on the back and me and Frank held up his hands like he was a boxer. Geronimo McLardy said someone should call The Courier but Slim said he didn’t want any publicity and that he did it for his own self-respect. What a wonderful man he is.
After that we all just stood about chatting. I was going to say how this was the last day that I was doing my blog before I do it just through the newsletter thing but I didn’t want to step on Slim’s toes (though if I did that in real life he’d hardly notice). I spoke to Daz for a bit before he had to go back to school though and so I know exactly what I’m doing with it so don’t miss out on next week’s first newsletter.
But for now, this is it. The end of the daily blog. My God, we’ve had some adventures. But I’m Bob Servant, I’m a man about town and a force to be reckoned with and I can’t be tied down to doing this every day. What if I have enough and just want to get away from it all, go somewhere exotic where they don’t have the Internet – like Glen Clova or Arbroath? Or what if, God forbid, I meet a bit of skirt that wants me to chat to her about blouses and how children say funny stuff all afternoon?
I’ve got to be free. Like a lion. So see you on the newsletter my friends. This is Bobby ‘Bob’ Servant, clocking off one last time.
Take it easy.
Believe in yourselves.
My God, you’re magnificent.
Don’t forget me.
All the very best.
1st November 13.15
Things are looking very interesting indeed for tomorrow's brunch party. I saw Slim Smith at Safeways earlier and all he had in his basket was a bottle of pop and an apple. I said what's that all about Slim and he said Bob, I'm taking the sausage challenge seriously this time. He said that last time (when to be fair he was only two sausages of his personal best) he'd had a Chinese the night before. I said well that's not so bad Slim a man's got to eat and he said I hadn't finished Bob and said he's also had a curry for breakfast. I said for fuck's sake Slim that's suicide and he said I know Bob but I got up early through excitement and one thing led to another. But he said that tomorrow's the day and he's going to smash his personal best to smithereens.
As for Tommy Peanuts, I don't think I've ever seen the man so lively. He's taken two days off work he says so he can hang about in Stewpot's. Chappy asked him how we'd notice the difference and he said he wouldn't be wearing a tie. He says that's he's got a lot more cash to play with now the divorce is paid off and he's arranged with Stewpot that he's going to buy us all a big bowl of Tommy Peanuts Special Divorce Pay-Off Punch. All that he would tell us is that it will be nice but might come back to haunt us. Chappy said a bit like your marriage then Tommy, but Tommy just looked a bit sad at that so I cheered him up by saying I bet Sally Peanuts new husband doesn't get to spend his morning drinking punch and watching Slim Smith try and beat his sausage record, but he looked quite sad at that as well to be honest.
Frank's in a great mood as well. He says he met Father O'Neil at the Gullistan snooker hall and that he gave Frank the best description yet of the credit crunch and how Frank isn't in any danger whatsoever. Frank's invited Father O'Neill to the party tomorrow and he said he'd come if I didn't start any of my funny business on him and so they phoned me from the Gullistan and I had to promise that I wouldn't.
I'm just going to take it easy today with so much happening tomorrow. My head's all over the shop. Frank was wanting to have a mince and midori party tonight with me to get the party started, but I just said look Frank let's just slow down here. So we're going to read the papers, have a wrestle in the garden, watch Neighbours, have a sandwich, build a den, have a quick game of aeroplane tig, brush each other's hair and go to bed. Same old Thursday.
October 30th 14.37
Halloween eh? I'm a fan I must say, though you don't have to tell me that Frank isn't. A few years ago he let some kids into his house and they went absolutely bananas. They nicked all his sweets and also, according to him, his pants. I've always been a little bit suspicious of that. Why would they want to steal his pants in the first place and even if they did you wouldn't think that Frank's pants would either be the right fashion or the right size. Anyway, he doesn't take part any more but it worked out well because he goes round to Nervous Norrie's instead and answers Norrie's door for him. So it keeps them both happy. I'm probably just going to dress up as a ghost and have a few beers on the front porch.
This old blog is nearly finished. Friday's the last day, though take it easy and don't despair. Because from next week on, I'm going to send out my blog as a newsletter every Friday. Bob's Week I'm going to call it and I think it's going to be a cracker. Make sure I've got your address for it, just move your joystick or whatever it's called to the bit above that says newsletter. I've spoken to Daz's mum and she says I can have a quick chat with him on the phone and he'll let me know how to do it.
I'm going to have a special party on Friday morning to mark the end of the blog. It's in Stewpot's at 11am and I was going to call it Bob's Special End of The Blog But Start Of The Newsletter Brunch Bash but Stewpot said he didn't think that would get much of a turnout so we've said it's to mark the mirror getting moved back, Slim Smith's latest sausage challenge, and Tommy Peanuts making his last divorce payment to Sally. It's going to be an absolute belter.
October 29th 15.47
A fantastic and emotional day. I met up with Frank, Chappy and Tommy for lunch in Stewpot's. We all went for the 'Bridie and Brandy' special and waited for Stewpot. You could have cut the atmosphere with a knife in there (though not the bridies. Chick Devine had left them out overnight and they were like bloody rocks).
Stewpot called to say he was nipping into Invergowrie to have a look at a chip pan he'd seen in the Advertiser and then called half an hour later from the city centre to say he would be with us shortly but he was going to put an offer in for a dart board from the Bush Bar.
When he finally walked in it was really, really tough. I felt a bit fizzy myself but you should have seen the others. Chappy was shaking, he could hardly watch, partly because he was wearing a balaclava so that no-one could see his hair. Frank was just rocking on his chair staring at Stewpot while Tommy didn't really look that bothered.
Stewpot looked at the mirror, then looked at us and said come here Chappy. Chappy walked over and Stewpot pushed him into position in front of the bar and told Chick to pass him the bar hairbrush. Then he shouted Move The Mirror Chick and Chick grabbed it and put it back in it's usual position and Stewpot ripped off Chappy's balaclava and started slowly brushing Chappy's hair.
It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Chappy was crying buckets and I have to say I had a wee greet myself. Stewpot was so calm, and just brushed Chappy's hair into a really nice sideparting and then said that the mirror would only be moving again over his dead body. Everyone cheered which brought Nervous Norrie out the cleaning cupboard where he's been hiding while he waited to say which way it went.
Some of the boys stayed out, and there's talk Slim Smith is coming down from Monifieth tonight to take on his sausage record but I just had to come home because I feel drained from it all. I'm just glad that it's over and that common sense won the day.
October 28th 16.09
Well, it's all getting very interesting indeed. Stewpot isn't back yet but he phoned the pub today to make sure the deliveries had come in OK. He's been having real problems with the Irn Bru guy recently ever since Chappy put that bucket of water on top of the front door for me that time but the Irn Bru guy came in before me and got soaked. Chappy had to write Stewpot a letter of apology for that one. I've not had to do one of them since 1999 when I shouted 'Wowsers in Trousers' when Dundee United scored a goal. To this day I don't know why I shouted it. I think I must have heard it in a film or something.
Anyway, Chick had a quick word with him and Stewpot said that he could see both sides of the argument. He said that it made more sense for the mirror to be there at a commercial level but the last thing he wanted to do is alienate any of the customers. He said that he's going to have a good think about on the drive back from Pitlochry in the morning and announce his decision at lunchtime.
We asked Chick if there had been any clues in the way he'd spoken that might show which way he would go tomorrow but Chick said he just couldn't tell. It's worrying but also exciting. I know for a fact that I won't get a wink of sleep so I'm just going to build a den and watch some videos.
October 27th 18.05
Still no word from Stewpot. There's a rumour he's away till Tuesday which would kill Chappy. He came out today but kept his bunnet on and he wasn't his usual self at all. Frank's bearing up OK though. Apparently one of the girls at the checkouts at Safeways said she thought he looked like Clint Eastwood.
We're just going to have wait for Stewpot. Chick says he doesn't want to hear another word about it until Stewpot's back. So we just all concentrated on the United game and they've only gone and won again. Frank said that he thought this could be a new golden age but I said here hang on there's a long way to go and, to his credit, he said that I was right and apologised.
October 26th 12.16
Not much development on the mirror situation. Stewpot's gone to his timeshare in Pitlochry for the weekend and turned his phone off. Chick says that he thinks Stewpot probably will take out side on it but until he gets official confirmation his hands are tied. Chappy's not leaving the house because he thinks everyone's laughing at his hair (which they are to be fair) and Frank's walking about with his hands pushing into his chin because Tommy Peanuts told him that will stop his beard growing. I had to carry his groceries back for him from Safeways and help him with his front door.
Something has to happen soon, it's causing chaos. We could do with someone driving through to Pitlochry and speaking to Stewpot about it but there was no-one in there last night who could do it. Geronimo McLardy's wife needs the car to visit her sister in Coupar Angus. Nervous Norrie was there but he said he couldn't go because he can't handle roundabouts.
October 26th 15.36
Few problems up at Stewpot’s. They’ve moved the peanuts and crisps to the back wall and now they’re fixed over the Tennents Lager mirror. It’s causing chaos. There’s quite a few boys who don’t have mirrors in their houses (Frank Theplank and Chappy Williams amongst them) and so they’ve always used that mirror. Chappy uses it to fix his hair and Frank uses it to shave, he goes in on Friday mornings when the cleaners are there and does it.
I went in there today and Chappy’s hair was all at sea. I said what the fuck’s going on with your hair Chappy and he just pointed at the crisps. Frank was white as a sheet. He says he doesn’t think he’ll look with a beard and he’s worried it will get so long that it will block his mouth and he won’t be able to put his order in at the bar. I said Frank there’s no way a beard would grow all the way into your mouth and he said that I didn’t know for 100% and I had to hold my hands up and say that I don’t.
Stewpot wasn’t in so we left an official complaint with the barman Chick Devine and left it at that for now. All we’re asking for is common sense.
October 25th 11.32
Actually that might have been after Howie went mad.
October 25th 11.25
You’re not going to believe this but I just had my dinner for breakfast. It’s a long story about why it happened but really it’s because of my own bad planning and not paying attention and I just have to hold my hands up and admit that. But it reminded me of something Howie Reoch once told me. Howie was the guy who had the window cleaning round before me and anyone who’s read my book will know what happened to him. It was a crying shame. But before he went mad he told me a fascinating thing.
I bumped into him one day at the bowling club and he said, here Frank, have you ever heard of upside down days? I said, can’t say I have Howie, what’s that all about and what he said was that sometimes he has these things called upside down days.
He said that on upside down days he gets up in the morning and has a cup of cocoa. Then he puts on his best gear and goes up to Stewpot’s and has a few beers and a game of darts. Then he goes home and has a full dinner and watches a bit of telly. Then he goes for a wee walk and does his shopping and then goes home and does anything needing done in the garden using a torch. And then he has his breakfast and goes to bed. And that’s an upside day, accoring to what Howie told me.
I must say, it never really appealed.
October 24th 12.28
Well that was different class. I just spoke to Geronimo McLardy who could hardly talk because he’d got all choked up by the last scene like he always does.
I must say though, I always think when I watch it, why didn’t they get a proper Red Indian to play the big man instead of getting out the old boot polish?
But, here, I’m not finding faults in it. The thing’s a bloody masterpiece.
October 24th 10.58
I tell you what, everyone always bangs on about the Indians and the American soldiers in Geronimo but people forget about the Mexicans who are absolutely superbly turned out.
October 24th 10.36
Sometimes you just have to laugh don’t you? I just turned on the telly and bloody Geronimo is starting. I can’t believe my luck, I’m just going to get a cup of tea and settle down for it. I phoned Geronimo McLardy and he laughed as well. He knew it was on (no surprise there!) and has taken the morning off and has made a wigwam in his living room (no surprise there!)
October 23rd 14.32
Things seem to have calmed down. I just did a quick circuit of Broughty Ferry and there were no real problems. A couple of nods and winks, but that’s not exactly unusual. Norrie must have snuffed it out. And quite right too.
October 23rd 10.23
Christ, Norrie had better get a move on. The boys from Toshy's Hardware just went past in a van and they had a right pop about this Courier column story. One of them shouted that it would be the first ever newspaper column written in crayon and another said something very rude about where he'd put my column. I just kept my dignity and pretended I couldn't hear them. It was quite hard though because I was only about three yards away and facing them. So I just closed my eyes and waited for them to go away.
October 23rd 09.45
Well, that's the backlash started. I just saw Slim Smith at Mrs Muffin's getting himself eight egg rolls and he said aye, aye Bob I hear you're getting a bit big for your boots. I said how's that Slim and he said he's just seen Geronimo McLardy who had told him that I was going round saying that because I'd written a book I should get a column in the Courier where I'd talk about all the clever things I'd done and tell funny stories about meeting famous people. Slim said that it sounded like I thought I was God or Michael Parkinson. He said it sounded like it would be called Good Old Bob and in fact he'd just told a couple of women at the Grey Street bus stop that that was exactly what it was called.
I couldn't believe it. I told him it was nonsense but he just kept shaking his head and saying that I'd changed so I ran round to Woolworths and found Geronimo having a fag out the back. I said Geronimo what the fuck is this about a column in the Courier and he said, oh aye, and how some woman had just told him that it was going to be called Good Old Bob and how he thought that was a bit rich. I said for Christ's sake Geronimo I'm not writing a column in the Courier and Slim Smith made up that name.
He said that it was Nervous Norrie that had said I was doing it so I raced round to Youngy's Garage where he works and confronted him. My God, I have never seen a man crumble like that. he dropped his tools and just stood there looking at me and crying buckets. I kind of hugged him a little bit and said here, come on Norrie, pull yourself together and so on. Eventually I got him a cup of tea but he said he was still too nervous to talk to me so we sat down and I got a pair of welder's goggles so he felt hidden and he put them on and told me what had happened. He said that he was jealous because of the book and the fact that I've created a bit of a buzz about the place. He said that he'd always wanted to write a book but he'd always been too nervous and so he started the rumour about me getting too big for my boots to get back at me.
I said there's no need for that Norrie, why don't you write a book as well and he said he didn't really know what he'd write it about. I said well why don't you write it about being nervous and he said did I really think there would be much call for a book like that? And I had to tell them that no, there probably wouldn't be.
He said sorry again and that and I told him not to worry. I said I always knew the boo boys would appear soon enough, and that all I asked was that he went and told people the truth before it spread like wildfire and he said he'd do it on his lunch break.
Ah well, at least it livened up the morning. I'm off for a wee think in the garden.
October 22nd 16.16
Things are really hotting up with the book. A couple of kids came round earlier and I thought it must be Bob A Job week but they said no they’d like me to sign their copies of Delete This At Your Peril. I said, go on then, and signed them and asked if they’d like to come in and have a look at the place where it all began and they said no they didn’t think that would be appropriate because they heard what happened with Daz. I said that was a misunderstanding and they said they understood that and didn’t mean any offence but it was probably best they stayed outside.
So in the end I went back inside and we chatted through the lounge window for a bit. They were good kids and they said they’d liked the book. I gave them both a Tunnock’s teacake and they headed off. I told Chappy about it over the phone there and I said it’s always good to meet the fans and he said if I ever used that phrase again he would never speak to me and get me banned from Stewpots and I told him I was only joking (which I was more or less) and he said that I’d bloody better have been.
October 21st 14.35
Back on the radio tonight. Can’t wait. I must say I’m really enjoying these Sunday night bits of special radio celebrity stuff. It’s not on in Dundee but apparently people can listen through their computers. I told the boys that but they didn’t really get it. Frank tried to listen through his microwave last Sunday. What was strange was that he said I wasn’t on but some other guy was.
October 21st 09.53
Just got Father O’Neill an absolute beauty. I saw him walking to work and headed him off in the Safeways car park. He said, ‘Oh Christ, here he is’ and I said hello there Father, tell me, is it true that Jesus has a massive nose like an ice cream cone and great big feet like a clown that he’s always tripping over? And he said don’t be ridiculous Bob of course he doesn’t. So I said, oh, so you’ve met him then? And he said, no Bob, unfortunately he died to save us all. And I said, oh so you must have seen a photo of him then or a spot of video? And he said, no Bob, unfortunately photography had yet to be invented. So I said, oh right, so you must have some newspapers from back then that talk about him? And he said no Bob, nothing like that. And I pretended to look confused and said, so how do you know he exists? And he said I just do Bob that’s all.
So I said, here Father O’Neill? And he said, go on then Bob. I said, I’m a big fan of THE GREAT JUMBO. And he said, who’s that? And I said, oh just this guy called Jumbo who died ages ago but I’ve heard through the grapevine he was a bit of a character. I said that every Sunday morning the boys are going to come round my gaff and sing songs about JUMBO and what did he think about that? He said that he thought it sounded ridiculous. And I looked right at him and said exactly and walked off. I looked back when I left the car park and he was looking like he was thinking very hard.
I’ve nearly got him back from that mob I think. I’m doing it for his own good, I hope he can see that.
20th October 14.54
Frank called and he’s much better. He said it was hard at first to get people down there to talk to him at all, let alone about the credit crunch, but then he found some guy who explained it all to him. He said the guy drew graphs in the sand and everything and made it all seem very simple and a lot less scary.
I said so who was he Frank an accountant or something and he said no Bob, he was a pest controller with the council. And I said, Christ, it just shows you that you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover and he said what’s books got to do with it Bob, and I said don’t worry about it Frank I’ll speak to you later on.
Anyway, I’d better go and get the wireless on for the United game. Chappy and Tommy have gone through to the game but I said I’m still not happy with Edinburgh Castle and so I won’t be going out of protest. Slim Smith told me that all the guns point towards Dundee and as far as I’m concerned that’s an absolute outrage.
20th October 10.15
That was Frank on the phone. He’s picked up a bit. He’s off to Broughty Ferry beach to have a walk and chat to people about the credit crunch. It’s pretty busy down there on Saturday mornings so I think that’ll be good for him. He’s going to call me when he’s back.
19th October 12.23
It’s the credit crunch. I thought it might be, he’s not been the same since The Courier started talking about it. I know they’re just passing on the news but I don’t why they put Frank through it. I know for a fact he phoned them up and said how down it makes him.
We had a good chat about it there. He was in his bed because he says he’s just too low to get up. I made some tea and toast and went through and lay down beside him and we looked at the roof and chatted about it all. He said that he just hates the credit crunch and hates hearing about it. He says he thinks it’s nasty and he wonders if this is the beginning of the end.
I said, Frank, do you definitely understand the credit crunch? And, to his credit, he said he doesn’t really. I told him that I didn’t either to be honest but I think it’s something to do with houses and considering his mum left him the house and it’s all paid up with the bank and that he’s probably not in any real danger. He said that he was sure it could get to him in other ways because he’s not the brightest which I agreed with.
I suggested he goes up to the Royal Bank and has a chat with them about it on Monday morning and he says he’s still banned from there after his protests against the scrapping of the one pound note. I said that I’d forgotten about that and we had a wee laugh about it. Quite how Frank thought he could make a suit of one pound notes was ridiculous. He only had £18 worth and ended up getting down for indecency.
So that cheered him up a bit but he said he was going to stay in bed and have more of a think about the credit crunch and I said, no problem Frank just give me a call in the morning and let me know how you’re getting on and said cheers Bob all the best and then I came home.
19th October 11.23
Just off the phone to Frank. Something’s not right. He wouldn’t tell me what it was but I could tell he was still in bed because his bedroom gives a bit of an echo. He used to call it the Batcave and he’s not done that for ages. I think he must have forgotten about that nickname. Anyway I’d better go and see what’s wrong with the buffoon.
October 18th 13.43
If anything, I think I prefer it.
October 17th 14.05
Well that was absolutely fine. I was right I think I must have just been suffering from shock yesterday when I heard the new version because yesterday it sounded like Double Dutch but today it wasn't too bad. At first I just hummed along and tried a couple of claps but by the end I was singing away happy as larry. It's just slowed down a bit in the middle that's all and it finished in the same way with that long bit where I have to hold it as long as I can until I can't any longer because I'm short of breath. It's a funny thing, sometimes I have to give up before the person singing on tv but sometimes i can sing right into the first scene. It's probably to do with what I've had for lunch. Anyway, glad to get that sorted. Now I can start the build up for the Scotland game, starting with a well deserved bath.
October 17th 13.42
Went well talk at end of programme
October 17th 13.39
Here we go. I'm nervous but I'm just going to give it my best shot.
October 17th 13.37
Right, well here we go. I'm going to give it another chance. Maybe yesterday it just caught me on the hop. I'm not going to sing like a I usually do, just hum and bit and tap my foot and try and get into it. It can't be that different at the end of day, it's just been rejigged.
October 16th 14.06
What's that all about then? Bloody Neighbours, they've pissed about with the theme tune. I nearly fell off my chair. Every day I sit down to that and sing along to the them tune. Sometimes it's the best part of the whole programme. And then today I start singing and I'm all over the shop. They've jazzed the thing up for some reason.
What a con. I'm going to have to have a think about this. I'm not saying for definite that I'll be boycotting, but I'm not saying that I won't either.
I'm off for a walk. My head's minced after that.
October 16th 13.42
Well that has to be just about the biggest joke ever. I'll be back at the end
October 16th - 13.41
What's this bollocks? I'm all out of time
October 15th 15.32
I was going to go into Dundee for the day but Boring Bart was at the bus stop and I just couldn't face it. I don't mind him to say hello to or maybe a wee chat at the tills at Woolworth's or something but there's no way in this world that I was catching a bus with the man. I remember once he spoke to Frank for so long in Stewpot's bar that Frank started crying.
I was just chatting to Frank there in fact. He was in his garden so we had a little talk over the wall. It's great having Frank as a neighbour though, if true be told, he can be pretty boring himself when he starts talking about how he could have been an actor. One time we were both there and he said, have I ever told you about how I could have been an actor Bob? And I said, yeah of course you have Frank and he said no, but I have told you the whole story? I didn't want to upset him but I was starving so I said, no on you go Frank, just give me a minute while I tie my lace
Then I got hold of a washing pole and put my bunnet on top and stuck it in the ground next to the wall. I pushed it up slowly so Frank could just see the top of my bunnet and said, on you go Frank, the floor's yours. It was brilliant. I went off and made myself a sandwich, had a crack at the Courier crossword, then came back and he was only just finishing. He even thanked me for listening and not jumping in with any stupid jokes. I just said, Frank that's what friends are for.
October 14th 09.54
Just bumped into Father O'Neill there. We had a good chat about the Scotland game and I asked if there would be a smaller mob waiting for him at work because everyone would have been up all night partying and he said sometimes that helped bump up the crowd a bit because people were looking to make them feel better about themselves.
He said he was going to try and work in the Scotland game somehow into what he said and I said well that's all very well making a few jokes to get everyone warmed up but don't try and start suggesting that God or Jesus or whatever are a bit like the Scotland game. He looked a bit sheepish at that and admitted that that was exactly what he'd been planning and he said it's hard sometimes to make people realise it was all important and I said well maybe it isn't then and he said that no, he thought it was. And I said, come on you know it's all bollocks and he said don't start with that Bob and I said, come on you know it is and he shouted that's enough Bob and he went a little white and ran off.
I'll get him next week. He's a good guy and if he could just give up on that nonsense then he'd be a lot happier.
October 13th 17.05
Well, what do you say about that? An incredible day, though I do feel a bit sick. I forgot to tell the boys that I was putting on the special spread and they'd all eaten apart from Frank. He and I ate the whole lot and my belly's been making all sorts of funny noises. Chappy says it sounds like there's a ghost in there and Tommy said it looks more like there's a whole ghost family in there which was OK because we're all in a good mood after the game. Chappy says it's the proudest he's felt since Dundee United won the league, Tommy says it's the proudest he's felt since Liz Lynch won silver at the Olympics and Frank says it's the proudest he's felt since Dundee City Council unveiled the statue of Desperate Dan at the bottom of Reform Street.
October 13th 14.46
Just waiting for Tommy, Chappy and Frank to come round for the Scotland game. My God, I'm nervous. I've kept my mind off it by laying out a really top class spread. Haggis on toast, potato scones, jugs of Irn Bru, three different types of bridie, Tennents Lager ice cream (which doesn't look like it's set properly) and Maciocia's chip shop are dropping off a hundred fritters any minute. I was going to throw in some stuff from the Ukraine but I have got no idea what they eat over there. I phoned Frank and asked him and he said that we like in the Ukraine so how can I now know that and hang up all angry. He phoned back a few minutes later and apologised and said he'd got confused with the UK.
October 12th 10.01
It’s getting a bit chillier all right. My God I went out to get the paper earlier and the wind nearly took my bunnet off. I’ve only got the one bunnet, it’s a tartan afffair, because I have always said that men should only have one. Frank’s got three but they’re all the same, Tommy doesn’t wear one because he doesn’t think he’s old enough yet, and Chappy has two. One brown and one tartan, which I’ve always had a bit of a problem with. You should just get a bunnet and be done with it.
I remember in the 1970s, Stewpot’s Bar had a bunnets committee where people had to apply for a bunnets licence. You were given them for a three month trial period and, as long as you kept the bunnet in decent shape and wore it at least twice a week, then you were free to carry on. The only person who ever failed was Frank because he was spotted on several occasions wearing his bunnet sideways. He told the committee that it was to stop his ears getting sunburnt but they didn’t buy it.
He was put on probation but then he was seen standing in his garden one day only wearing his bunnet and nothing ele. He said he’d been chasing a wasp out his house (and I have to say I chipped in that what a man did in his garden was his own business) but the committee decided that he wasn’t showing enough respect. Plus it was Nervous Norrie that saw him in the garden (from the top of the 76 bus) and he was so shaken up he didn't leave his house for a week.
It was all a bit tricky, but luckily things were smoothed over when Stewpot wound the committee up in 1979 after they got carried away with themselves and tried to rename the committee - The Hats, Scarves and Gloves committee. Stewpot said they were playing God and kicked them out.
October 11th 12.43
Chappy just called. He says he's done everything he can but he just can't remember how the joke went and neither can anyone else. He's asked about and he was up until four in the morning last night watching old series of Only Fools and Horses. He says that he's as annoyed about it as I am but there's really nothing more than can be done.
I just said Chappy, you've done your best and we can't ask for anything more than that. I told him he should be proud of himself and to go for a nap and he said that sounded like a good idea and that's what he's going to do.
Good old Chappy. He's got his knockers, and I'm often one of them, but I can't fault his work on this one. We never found out the joke, but there you go.
Before I forget, make sure you sign up for my newsletter. I've just about got to grips with it, sorry it's taken so long but it's one of the things that Daz was supposed to be doing and as you know that was a right disaster.
October 10th 13.26
I just caught up with Chappy there at Stewpot's. We had the Scampi and Cider special and a bit of a chat about the Slim joke. Chappy can remember the incident he says, but he couldn't remember how the joke went. He says it's unlikely that it will have involved a monastery and much more likely that it would have involved a monkey. The two of us tried all sorts of combinations but we couldn't get it.
Chappy said that he's going to ask about this afternoon and see if anyone knows the joke and then he's going to go home and watch all his Only Fools and Horses videos because he says it's sounds like a joke he might have borrowed from there. I have to say, I was very impressed by him. I know that he took early retirement and doesn't have much else to do, but he's really taking this seriously.
October 10th 10.07
I'm starting to wonder if it was even about a monkey. There was something that Chappy compared Slim to and then there was some sort of twist and then it finished with a belter. I just tried to call Chappy there but he's not answering.
October 9th 16.42
No, it's gone.
October 9th 16.41
What's the difference between a monkey and monastery?
October 9th 16.40
No, it's gone.
October 9th 16.32
I can't for the bloody life of me remember what that joke was.
October 9th 16.06
What am I talking about, it's not a monkey it's a monastery. That's what it was. What's the difference between Slim and a monastery?
October 9th 15.37
I think it's something like a monkey eats bananas and Slim doesn't eat bananas but put in a better way.
October 9th 15.05
I was just out there looking for skirt in Monifieth and I saw Slim Smith struggling up the road with his groceries. I said how you doing Slim and he said you see it all Bob, you see it all. I said what are you these days Slim, about twenty stone? and he said, and the fucking rest Bob, Christ I was still using the upstairs bedroom when I was twenty stone. I asked if he wanted a hand and he said not to worry and he'd see me at next month's Dartathon.
He's a great guy Slim and I don't like it when people make jokes about him though he told us it's OK for us to make the jokes if he's there. I remember one time, and I have to say this is a belter, Chappy said, 'Hey, Slim, what's the difference between you and a monkey?'
And Slim said, I don't know what, but he was smiling away because he doesn't mind the jokes as long as they're belters. And Chappy said, 'a monkey can't'. No, a monkey can. No, can't. Is it? I'm sorry I'm struggling to remember what he said now. I think the monkey must have been able to do something that Slim can't. Or Slim does some stuff that's like a monkey. Maybe it's like when people do that joke when it would be something like, oh, one of them eats nuts and lives in a tree. And the other one's a monkey! No, the other one's Slim! Slim's a monkey! No, that can't be it. Christ, what is it?
October 8th 15.05
Howdy. Quiet day today. I was out in the hide in the garden for a while but there wasn't much going on. To be honest I only ever see birds and cats really, though you'll sometimes get a rabbit or the postman depending on when you're out there. But I just take some sandwiches and the paper and see what's happening. Most of my friends have got a hide in their garden. Chappy's is really nice I must say, with carpet and a toastie machine. Frank built his hide facing the wrong way round, with the peephole about four inches from his garden wall. What a waste of time. I think he keeps his lawnmower in it now.
It's still a bit akward between Frank and me because of that whole Sun Blockers mess. I saw him earlier getting himself a new pair of goggles in Five Star Leisure. We kind of chatted about the United game and so on and then he said no one knows about Sun Blockers I hope? but he couldn't even look at me. I said no and we're just going to have to keep our wits about us and he agreed and went off for his Monday swim.
October 7th 10.09
Morning. Just getting my jacket on for the shops. I'm think of going for a five decker today on my rolls, what with it being Sunday. That's bacon, fried egg, sausage, scrambled egg, and some mince. I phoned Frank to see if he wanted to come round for breakfast. He said yes and then when I said I was thinking of going for a five decker he said no and he's not answered his phone since.
October 6th 18.03
Well that was a fucking waste of time. I have to say, I’m bitterly disappointed and I also have a very sore head.
Frank and I put a hell of a lot of work into today and the whole thing just turned into a complete mess. I really thought Sun Blockers could become a major charity. And not just in Dundee. In Perth as well. But, well, it’s not going to happen now.
Things started not too bad. Frank and I had a last talk through and then left the house feeling pretty good. We were both in shorts to help us move sharply about the place and also wore jumpers where we’d stretched the sleeves and stuck big pieces of cardboard on them so we could make a lot of shade. To be honest they were just the fronts of Frostie boxes but they looked good and did their job because we’d been practising in my garden for most of the afternoon.
When we got to Brook Street we couldn’t believe our luck, it was really sunny and there was loads of people who were having to shield their eyes. We took one pavement each and got to work. I tried a couple of women but they both just kind of looked at me funny and then walked off.
Then some guy came along and I said I was part of a new charity called Sun Blockers and could I help him with the sun. He asked what the things were on my hands and I said they were special Sun Blockers and he said they were just the fronts of Frostie packers and I said come on mate, help me out we’ve only just started Sun Blockets up so they’re only prototypes. So to the boy’s credit he said, go on then just to the end of the road.
I walked along beside him, using both my hands to really shield his eyes and face well. We were getting on great guns. I was telling him about how Frank and I thought this could be a huge thing because there would be a massive demand in place that it was really hot, like Africa or Magaluf. And the guy said that he had intially had his doubts but was really enjoying being able to walk down Brook Street at that time of night without worrying about the sun and I can’t remember any more after that.
I came round about ten minutes ago here in my flat. Apparently I was walking along beside the guy, tripped over the sandwich board outside Khan’s kebab shop and fell down a manhole. By his own admittance, Frank wasn’t much help. He tried to pull me out but he said it was impossible to get a grip because of the fronts of Frostie packets on his hands.
In the end the guy who’s eyes I’d been shielding had to drag me out and he helped Frank get me in a taxi. Frank asked if he would like to make a donation to Sun Blockers but he said the guy wasn’t up for it at all and made some pretty unfair comments about a couple of charities that Frank and me should probably be calling to ask for help for ourselves.
Anyway, we’re back in the house now and starting to see the funny side. I’m bit dizzy but I’ve got away with just this bump on the head. Frank and I have agreed not to talk about Sun Blockers again and we’re just going to hope that Tommy and Chappy don’t get hold of it. Christ, that would just about finish me off.
On the plus side, another good result for United.
October 6th 10.20
Things are coming along very well indeed for today's launch of Frank and men's new charity. We've decided to call it Sun Blockers. We need to go and practice now, and are planning on launching it in Brook Street this evening. It's a sunny day which will help of course. Will keep you posted.
October 5th 17.20
Chappy’s an idiot, and he always has been. We were in Stewpot’s there having lunch and I still hadn’t talked about my book so I decided to slip it in when Tommy said that he’d heard from a taxi driver that there’s more charities in Britain than there is bus stops (which I thought was unlikely I must say). I said that now I’d done a book and so on I might use my profile to do some charity stuff.
Frank Theplank coughed up some his drink, Tommy shook his head and Chappy said that it was the most ridiculous thing he’d heard since Frank said he wanted to be an actor. Chappy just wouldn’t let it go. He asked me what charity I’d help and I said probably Save The Whales or something but Tommy said he thinks they got wound up in the late 1980s.
From then on Chappy kept calling me Mother Theresa and he tried to put a teatowel on my head to look like her. Luckily Frank was leaving then so I got a lift home though I took the teatowel off first of course. In the car Frank said it wasn’t really that bad an idea I’d had and he was sure there’s lots of people I could help. He said that one thing he’s noticed is that there are a lot of people who walk down Brook Street in the evening while shielding their eyes from the sun.
I said that I don’t think there’s a proper charity for people who walk down Brook Street in the evening while shielding their eyes from the sun, and he said that maybe there should be. The more we thought about it, it did seem to make sense. Frank made the point that if a man with no arms walked down Brook Street in the evening then he could potentially end up blind.
Neither of us have ever seen a man with no arms, though there was Nine Fingers Jackson who used to hang around the bowling club until they changed the membership rules.
Anyway, I’m going to stay in tonight with Frank and we’re going to have a bit more of a think about it. I’m starting to think this could be big. Very big.
October 4th 23.14
A really great night. I didn't mention my book because we were having lots of jokes and so on anyway, and only a few of them were at my expense. I'm off for a choc ice.
October 4th 15.32
Just went along Queen Street and there were some builders up some scaffolding. Someone shouted Bob and then something else but it was difficult to make it out. I thought that he was maybe saying something about my book so I climbed all the way up the scaffolding which really stung my hands. The boys were having their sandwiches and they said what the fuck are you up to? I said that i'm bob and i think someone might have been talking about me and my book but it turned out one of them was called Rob and they'd just been chatting amongst themselves.
They were OK after that though. They gave me a wee bit of their sandwiches and we had a chat about this and that. One of them said he might get the book for his niece's birthday which sounded great but then he said her birthday wasn't until February. I said well, is there no chance you could get it for her christmas instead and he said he just thought it sounded more like a birthday thing which I thought was a bit odd to be honest but I didn't say anything, just said my goodbyes and climbed down the ladders.
I'm going to go and get my best gear ready, heading out tonight with the boys for a slap-up feed. They say I'm only allowed to talk about my book for ten minutes so I think I'll wait until pudding.
October 4th 13.40
Things are picking up. I just went for a walk along the Esplanade and some guy on a bike said are you Bob Servant and I said yeah but then he just cycled off. I ran after him for a bit asking if it was because of my book but I couldn't keep up and I don't think he could hear because of the wind but it's a start.
October 4th 09.28
Well, not much happening so far. I just walked all the way down Brook Street in my suit and I didn't really get what I was expecting. Geronimo McLardy, the security guard at Woolworths, popped his head out and asked if that was the Dawson Park flowerpots case finally come to court. Then Chappy Williams came wandering out the bakers and said Christ Bob you must have not washed any clothes for ages if you're down to that. I have to say the suit is a little snug, I've probably put on about four stone since I bought it. In 1973.
I stopped a couple of old women outside the Royal Bank that I'd told about my book last week at the Bowling club disco. I thought they were bankers but when I said This is it ladies, the big day', one of them asked if it was my birthday and the other asked if I was going to a funeral and if I was could they come with me because they'd probably know them and she was happy to give me some petrol money because I'd have to drop them in Monifieth afterwards.
It's just a waste of bloody time. So much for Beatlemania. I'm going to take this suit off because I can hardly breathe and go and make some sausages and think about my next move.
October 4th 08.45
This is it, the big one! As of 9am my book is finally released. My God, this is going to shake things up. Now I'm going to get some respect. I'm going to use it properly though, and not let it go to my head. This isn't going to change me, no bloody way. I'm still the same old Bob.
Right, I'm going to stick the suit on and go and meet my fans.
October 3rd 08.44
I’ve just been round to Frank’s and I think he’s improving. I took him some breakfast but I didn’t take the Courier because it’s got something about my book in it and I thought that would just about finish him off. He still wouldn’t let me in the house so I just passed him some sausages through the letterbox which he took and then we had a wee chat with me sitting on the doorstep.
He said that he doesn’t know why he said that all his thick jumpers came from America, but that it just seemed to impress people and he found himself getting sucked into a web of lies. He said that he thought people would think he was an idiot if he was walking about in jumpers that were knitted by his Auntie even though he’s in his late 50s.
I told him that wasn’t true at all and I pointed out how Tommy goes to him Mum’s for dinner twice a week since he got divorced and that Chappy’s Uncle still comes round to cut his grass. After a while things improved and we had a wee laugh about this and that. He asked me if I had any more sausages and I said hang on a minute Frank, I know you’re upset but you’ve had more than your share already, and he apologised and asked if he could have some toast instead. So I nipped back and made him some and cut it diagonally the way he likes it.
He asked if I’d like a cup of tea but I said I was fine and anyway it wouldn’t fit through the letterbox. He said I could drink it through a straw and I could use his special curly one if I wanted but I pointed out you can’t drink hot drinks through a straw, didn’t he remember Chappy having to go to hospital after we had that Cocoa Challenge?
I asked if he wanted to go for a walk but he said he’s just going to stay in the house for a bit longer but he’d maybe pop round for the lunchtime Neighbours. So that’s something.
As for the Courier article, they seem to be making a bit much of the Forsyth guy but I suppose everyone wants a little piece of the glory.
2nd October 15.18
Frank’s not in good shape. He’s always had these really nice thick jumpers that he brings out at this time of year. He says they’re American and was wearing a new green one this morning at the bowling club. Every time he threw a good ball, he’d say, ‘That must be the old American jumper helping me eh Bob?’ and looked really pleased with himself.
Well when we left we bumped into our postie who took one look at Frank and said ‘That’s your Auntie’s best one yet Frank’ and Frank went bright red and ran off. Turns out all the American jumpers that Frank’s been wearing over the years are actually sent down by his Auntie in Aberdeen.
Frank went straight home and he’s refusing to come out. I went and shouted in his letter box not to worry about it but he said he’d black affronted and he’s not coming out until Friday at the earliest and only if I promise not to tell Tommy or Chappy.
Unfortunately I phoned both to tell them the minute Frank ran off at the bowling club. So there’s not much I can do about that. I suppose I just have to hope he gets over it in his own time.
1st October 16.02
Well, that's just three days until the big one. I was telling a couple of guys on the bus earlier that my book's out on Thursday and they said it would be better to bring it out on a Friday night because then people would be drunk and more likely to buy it. I said that I don't know if that would work because I'd imagine the shops would be closed and then one of the guy's said why not and get taxi drivers to sell it instead of shops. You could pay then a quid each and they could punt it to people when they've had too much drink to know what they're doing. The other guy said you get a lot more drunk people in taxis than you do in book shops and I found it very hard to argue with that. It's not a bad idea at all. I left a message at the publisher's about it but they've not called me back yet.
1st October 10.01
Seen the Garfield yet in the Courier today? Absolute cracker. I've been laughing for nearly forty minutes.
30th September 17.35
Hello! Well, I've had a day of ups and downs. This morning I got a real boost. I was out for a walk and I bumped into Tommy Peanuts walking his ex-wife's dog. We were chatting away about the United result, the roadworks beside the library and the credit crunch and this car went past. It slowed right down and the guy in it shouted 'Good luck with the book Bob" and then drove off.
It was fantastic. Tommy wasn't happy at all. He said I must have put the boy up to it or slipped him a fiver or a sandwich or something but I told him I'd never seen the boy before. And I haven't either, he must be from Arbroath or Fife or something. I just said to Tommy that this is the kind of thing that's going to be happening and he is just going to have to live with it. And then I just left and went and got a filled roll.
This afternoon things took a slight dip. I was in Stewpot's and Chappy Williams said that he's sorry he's not been giving me enough credit for my book and asked if I'd sign my autograph on a napkin. I said for him not to be stupid and he was my pal so why would he need meyautograph. But he insisted so I ended up signing it and then he unfolded it and he'd written -
And then underneath was where he made me sign it. He pinned it up behind the bar and Stewpot wouldn't let me take it down. I tried to grab it a couple of times but my jacket got caught in the beer taps and Stewpot had to unhook me so in the end I just walked out with my head held high and my dignity intact.
29th September 16.03
Well, not a bad wee day is it? That's me in the Sun now today as well, it's fairly ticking off. I was telling Chappy and Tommy earlier that I reckon at this rate I'll be on Parkinson with the week, but they just made stupid jokes about how today's Sun has three big diddies in it, rather than just the two on page three. They're jealous idiots.
Anyway, got Frank coming round for a pernod and push-ups party tonight so I'd better go and tidy the lounge and iron my swimming trunks.
28th September 10.24
Well, well, well, old Bob in the Scotsman eh? I've been in the papers before of course, what with the darts league and occasionally in Round The Courts after misunderstandings, but this is a new level. I had a call today from an old pal (Turn-ups Thomson) who lives in Edinburgh and says he nearly choked on his Coco Pops this morning.
I'm not too sure about the photo, you don't really get too much of my head do you? Must have been a funny angle.
Anyway, it's going to be like Beatlemania after this.
27th September 18.01
What a day. I got in a terrible argument at Safeways (or whatever they call it now) because one of the signs said suasages instead of sausages and they refused to change it. The manager said they were short of staff so would have to wait until tonight even though I said I was happy to look after the till or the meat counter while they did it.
Words are very important and some people just don't seem to appreciate that. I remember Frank Theplank once had a wonderful argument with a man about Frank's driving. The man said it was dangerous but Frank kept insisting that it wasn't dangerous but that it was exciting.
Unfortunately for Frank the man was able to make himself win the argument because he was the judge and Frank's not been allowed to drive since. It wouldn't have been so severe but Frank was working on the buses at the time.
26th September 23.43
I've been going over and over it all night and I'm going to have to hold my hands up and say I'm not sure if any of that happened at all.
26th September 20.12
Come to think of it, I'm not sure if it was George Best
26th September 16.32
I don't think it was Wogan, it might have been Parkinson
26th September 13.04
Well, Frank got a caution for now but is looking likely for a bit of the old community service. I was chatting to Tommy Peanuts about it earlier and I said the best community service they could give Frank would be to make him stay in his house and cut off his phone so he can't hog the Radio Tay phone-in like he did last time he stayed in the house. That time he was in there for a week because Chappy had put some funny rocks in Frank's garden and told him there had been a meteor shower and there was an even bigger one on the way.
I must say I'm having great fun on the old Myspace and Facebook stuff. I'm nearly up to 150 pals on the two put together and that's more friends I've had since 1989 when I was the main man on the cheeseburger vans. I worked out one day that I had nearly 300 friends at that point. Everyone wants to be pals with the champ don't they? But I'll tell you a funny thing. I had all those friends but I have never felt so lonely. I remember George Best saying to Wogan that it's lonely at the top and I thought to myself, 'You're absolutely right Bestie. Absolutely spot on'. I was watching it on my own as well I think, so that proves a point in itself. Oh no, hang on, I think Frank was there.
25th September – 11.58
Frank’s been arrested. He went out this morning on his clean-up campaign for the car horns and to say it didn’t go well would be a bit of an understatement. He decided the best thing to do would be to name and shame regular offenders by taking photos of regular offenders and try to get The Courier on board. So he went and stood on the roundabout at the bottom of the Kingsway with his camera and a sign saying
IF YOU HOOT THEN I’LL SHOOT!
He was arrested by armed police half an hour later. Chappy called to say it’s looking like he’ll get away with a caution and a banning order from the roundabout. The guy’s a fucking imbecile. He’ll end up in The Courier alright, but not the way he hoped.
24th September – 12.09
Well, Frank’s just been round and he’s come up with a right belter this time. He’s always been a bad one for car horns, Frank, they send him potty. He thinks that it’s arrogant and not fair on the man in the street. He was out earlier for a wee wander and a bit of a chat and he said it was just totally out of hand. He tried to speak to a couple of birds at the bus stop in Tay Street and it was just a joke because no-one could hear what anyone saying because of a lorry using it’s horn. Then he was walking along Queen Street and there was some sort of mix up around that hole the council are digging and he said the cars were like a pack of elephants.
Now, Frank’s always going on about car horns so I have to admit I snapped at him and said stop moaning about it and do something. He said OK I bloody will and left. I’d imagine he’s off to write a letter to the courier but I don’t know why because he’s on the black list there after his Why Don’t We Use Coconuts As Money Campaign. Christ, that was a disaster.
23rd September 16.53
I must say I’m feeling much better. I’ve had a great wee sleep on the couch there and now I’m sitting up with my Superman pyjamas on, the Antiques Roadshow not too far off and a chicken in the oven. This is what it’s all about.
I see old Frank had a few problems with the computer yesterday. The moron.
23rd September 10.01
Well, well, well. Where do I start? You’ll notice it’s a decent time but that’s not because I’m just up it’s because I’m just in! First of all, the game was awful, got beat 3-2. But the real action came after. Chappy had a tantrum at half time because Tommy put brown sauce on his pie and then I bit into my sausage roll and a bit of fat went directly into his left ear. He said that both things were deliberate and stormed off all angry.
We thought he’d gone to have a word with himself in the toilets but it turned out he drove straight back to Dundee. So after the game Tommy and I went for a drink in Motherwell and it got a bit out of hand. We were drinking OVDs like they were orange squash and then it’s a bit unclear and then we were in a chip shop and Tommy was talking to these women.
We were at some house and I remember Tommy laughing and then looking at myself in the mirror and my face was covered in make up like a woman. I was furious and stormed out but I wasn’t sure where I was so I ended up sleeping in the garden beside the bins. In the morning the paperboy woke me up clattering about with the letter box. I said, ‘Come on wee man, I’m trying to get some kip here’, but he was listening to his music and he couldn’t hear me. I couldn’t get back to sleep after that so I just walked three miles to the train station and came home with my dignity intact.
Right I’m off for a bath.
22nd September 11.16
BUNCH OF FANNIES
22nd September 11.15
Hello? fuck this I’m off
22nd September 10.43
22nd September 10.07
22nd September 09.46
22nd September 09.10
Good morning everybody! Frank here, Bob’s off to the match. What would you like to talk about please?
21st September 219.21
Hi, I thought I’d better nip on and let you know that I’m not going to be on the computer tomorrow as I’m off on a bit of a Leo Sayer (all dayer) to Motherwell to watch United play Gretna. It’s going to be some day out, I’ll tell you that for free. Chappy Williams is driving, Tommy Peanuts is doing the maps and I’m doing the music. I’m going to keep it light to Perth and then slowly wind it up, with some major surprises along the way to keep everyone on their toes.
Anyway, I’ve asked Frank to come round and keep you posted. I’ve left instructions that I think even he should be able to follow. I need to go and make these tapes for the car, see you later
20th September 12.18
Just been having lunch with the boys there but I’ve come home early because Frank’s annoyed me again. He does this thing that really gets on my tits. A few years ago Tommy Peanuts told this story about a man in a canoe. It was a really good story I have to admit but the way Frank bangs on you’d think it was the best one ever told.
Whenever I tell a story (and they’re usually belters) Frank waits to the end and while everyone’s laughing he says just loud enough for me to hear, ‘it’s not as good as the man in the canoe’. A couple of weeks ago he did it and I told him to shut up so now he’s started this other thing that as soon as I start telling a story he starts acting as if he’s in a canoe.
He did it there and I blew my top and walked out without finishing my scampi. It’s completely unacceptable. Yes it was a good story but it’s in the past and that’s where it belongs. Well, I hope Frank’s happy with himself. I’m off for a lie down in the garden with the Evening Telegraph and an Irn Bru. The old ‘one-two’. Maybe a potato scone as well. The old ‘one-two-three’.
19th September 10.01
What about the old Prime Minister eh? A guy from Fife in at Downing Street. For a long time I used to get angry about the Fife bunch because you can see my house from the river and Chappy Williams told me that a friend of his in Fife had binoculars and had seen me up to funny business in my bedroom. I had my curtains drawn all over my house for a couple of months until he told me has joking. It was horrible, like living in a dungeon. Even when I found out, it took me a long time to trust the Fife lot again and it’s only now that one of them is Prime Minister that I can give them a bit more respect.
18th September 15.32
I won’t be going back there. I was sure that old Dougie worked on a Tuesday but when I went in the only person there was that boy Colin they have. He thinks he’s a right superstar. Chappy went in there once and Colin was wearing a woman’s blouse and said that he didn’t see clothes in terms of men or women’s and how he was a free spirit.
Now, I don’t have a problem with guys doing whatever they want in a courting respect but for Christ’s sake, the guy works at Cheap Chops in Grey Street, you’d think he was doing perms for pop singers the way he bangs on.
Anyway, he cuts my hair and chats away about all this rubbish and I just kept my dignity and ignored him. But then when I left I said something like ‘Oh well, off to face the world’ just to break the tension and he came running up and shouted ‘Go get them Bob’ and skelped me pretty hard across the arse with his hand.
Just my bloody luck, Tommy Peanuts was walking past Cheap Chops right then. He nearly choked on his ice lolly and gave me dog’s abuse the whole way along Grey Street, asking how much extra it was for the spank and so on. I was going to go and do my messsages but in the end I gave Tommy the slip in the Royal Bank car park and came stright home.
Christ, sometimes I wonder if it’s worth leaving the house.
18th September 14.43
Hello! I’m going to the barber’s today. I’m not going to go mad. Just something that makes me look sporty and brings out my eyes.
17th September 14.05
Well that was a disaster. I did what I could before the woman came round but it was pretty hopeless really. First of all I got all the grass cuttings from my garden and Frank’s next door and put them in a big pile in the corner of my garden with a couple of cushions and so on to make it look like that’s where the horse lived. Then I put on some old pyjama bottoms that are really tight, a blazer and my old crash helmet from when I had the moped to look like I was going horse riding and waited at my gate.
When I saw the women coming along the road I ran out shouting, ‘Harry, Harry’ and then pretended I’d only just seen her and told her that my horse had gone missing. She didn’t take much notice to be honest, she seemed a little nervous about my outfit which was fair enough because the pyjamas were really tight.
I got her to come into the garden and said, oh don’t worry he always comes back, that’s where he sleeps and how Harry tends to just keep himself to himself. But she took one look at the grass and the cushions and told me I was a complete lunatic. I said we don’t have to roll around in the grass we could do it in the lounge and just stick Black Beauty on in the background or something but she said she didn’t want me to speak to her ever again and left.
So there you go. I gave it my best shot, and you can’t ask for any more than that.
17th September 11.08
The woman from last night just phoned. She says she’s woken up a bit fuzzy and wants to come and see my horse and then have a roll about in the hay if I know what she means. Christ, I’ve got to come up with something here. Got to go
17th September 10.01
What a night. The girls were great fun, a couple of divorcees from Barnhill who weren’t afraid to laugh at themselves. The only slight problem is that I told one of them I have a horse in my garden. They were all talking about horses and it had been going on for ages and I panicked and thought I should bring something to the table. After that Frank got us all on Peach Schnapps and Malibu Surprises and I can’t remember much else. I keep meaning to tell Frank that there’s not much surprise when you have the main ingredients in the drink’s name.
I’m off back to bed for a bit of a think.
16th September 19.03
Well that’s me and Frank off for our date. I’m going to talk about United winning again and Frank's going to talk about the credit crunch. I said, 'Are you sure you understand the credit crunch Frank?' and he said, 'Inside out Bob, inside bloody out'.
16th September 09.13
I just bumped into Father O’Neill there on the way to get the papers with Frank. He was running a bit late for work but stopped for a wee chat about the United game this afternoon. He said a few minutes wouldn’t hurt and that the organist would just freestyle for a bit.
Anyway, he said that it was all about Robson today and there's a lot of pressure on the lad after being in the Scotland squad but I said that's a ridiculous attitude and that Jesus didn’t perform a miracle every week and he laughed and said that’s a fair point. Then Frank tried to get involved, with something about Jesus would have been better with crosses, but he got it all wrong and it was a bit awkward until he jogged off, saying he need the toilet. I don’t even think he needed to go, he was just embarrassed.
Father O’Neill said, ‘Now there’s a man in need of salvation’. I told him that Frank’s been single for eight years so he’s in need of something, and Father O’Neill said, ‘Only eight? He’s a fucking part-timer’. I asked him how strict that stuff is and if he’s allowed to slap women’s bottoms or anything and just try and pass it off as a joke and he said that there are some grey areas but that’s unfortunately not one of them. Then he looked at his watch and said Jesus Christ but not in a religious way and sprinted off.
He’s a good guy Father O’Neill. He knows I don’t believe in any of that bollocks and he doesn’t mind having a wee joke about it. He’s strong as well, with hands like dustbins. He’s a big, strong guy. With hands like dustbins.
15th September 18.02
You watching You've Been Framed? It's not a great one to be honest. I was chatting to Chappy earlier and he says he loves the trampoline accidents but for me it's all about the puddles and the cricket balls in the knackers. I’m going to stay in tonight because Frank and I have a big date tomorrow night. It’s a couple of women that he met in Safeways. Some people have started calling it Marks and Spencer’s but I am proud to say that I’m not one of them.
Anyway, Frank met a couple of birds at the ham counter and reckons we’re meeting them for a curry tomorrow night. I said, ‘Sunday night Frank, are you sure?’ and he said, ‘That’s right Bob, it’s all set for Sunday’. We’re going to get all the papers in the morning and read them together so we have interesting stories to talk about with the women. United are playing in the afternoon but we're just going to stay in with the papers and listen on the wireless.
14th September 14.16
Been getting some right pelters over the joiner stuff. I was in Stewpot’s earlier and Chappy Williams kept calling me Help The Aged and asked if I paid the joiner in old money. Then on the way back Tommy Peanuts leant out his car at the library traffic lights and said that he’d heard I’d just employed a gardener that was 109.
It’ll all blow over, just a case of keeping my head down tonight.
13th September 14.53
Christ, that was awkward. The joiner is 89 years old. I accidentally used a Yellow Pages from 1978. That was his carer that turned up, she was really angry and some of the language she used was disappointing seeing as she’s on official business.
She kept saying you must have known and all that and I said to her that men end up with the faces they deserve and for all I knew the guy could have been a killer or worked down the mines or something. Then I said that considering his age he might even have worked on the Pyramids which I thought would maybe break the ice a bit but it didn’t help.
The joiner didn’t say much. He just looked really sad and when I asked why he didn’t say he’d retired he said how joiners are like bank robbers in that they can never turn down one last job.
I said that I wanted him to at least fix the guttering and the carer said if I made him do that she’d see that I was done for cruelty. Then the joiner asked if he could at least hammer one nail to see if he still had it and the carer said if I would let him do that it would maybe be a nice thing to do. I said no problem he could hammer a nail into her bottom and she just said I was a stupid man and I said yes I was stupid because I still hadn’t had my breakfast and that’s when they left.
And good riddance. I’m off to Mrs Muffins for some bacon rolls and God knows I deserve them.
13th September 14.32
He’s just got out the bathroom and all he said was that he’s done worse. Now he’s sat down and started talking about how he likes coming down to Broughty Ferry and how it’s busier than it used to be. He’s really funny looking now I see him properly, he doesn’t look too good. Hang on that’s the door
13th September 13.43
He’s still in the toilet. I just shouted and asked what was going on in there and he just shouted back, ‘I’m getting there Bob, I’m bloody getting there so help me God’.
13th September 13.01
Right he’s up, but now he says he’s gone to the toilet. He said to give him an hour and how the bathroom is a constant trial for him these days. He says he calls the toilet in his house The Old Bailey. Something’s not right, he’s not even started working and I’m bloody starving. I’ve not eaten anything because I’ve got my heart set on a cereal cocktail once he gets the cupboard open.
13th September 12.14
This is ridiculous, the guy’s fast asleep in my armchair. I just prodded him a bit and he just kind of did a sad smile and kept sleeping.
13th September 10.31
Morning all. That’s the joiner here. There’s something not quite right about him though. I gave him the list and he just kept saying, ‘Thank you so much for this’ and ‘Back in the saddle’ and ‘I can’t believe I’ve got the belt back on’. I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I must say, he’s not the most sprightly guy I’ve ever seen. He’s just said that he’s going to go for a little sit down to get over the journey over. He must have jogged or something.
12th September 12.27
I just went to get down my big bowl from the cupboard over the sink and the thing is totally jammed. I wanted my big bowl because I got one of those cereal variety packs and thought I’d have a cereal cocktail for lunch. But I can’t get at the big bowl so I thought about using a saucepan but then I decided I’d keep my dignity and call a joiner. I’ve just looked up one in the Yellow Pages and he says he’ll be round first thing tomorrow morning.
I must say, he sounded a right decent chap, very excited and all that. Which was a pleasant surprise. Seeing as he’s coming anyway, I’ve made a list of other jobs for him –
Cupboard above sink
It’ll be good to get them out the way. The TV table is really getting on my tits. It’s at a slight angle. I don’t mind it but the boys have been having digs. Tommy Peanuts said it was like watching the telly in the leaning tower of Pisa and Chappy Williams said it had made one of my eyes lower than the other and I had to go to the toilet and check. Hopefully this guy will fix it tomorrow and that will shut up the boo boys.
Big game for Scotland tonight. Robson will be lucky to be on the bench I suppose, but he's in the mix at least.
11th September 13.38
Right, I'm giving up the ghost on Harrods. I've been scared to leave the house all morning in case they got back to me and needed some quick fire information but there's still nothing. So it's over as far as I'm concerned. Christ that’s Neighbours starting already I’ve got to run. I've not even had my lunch. Harrods have really knocked my schedule for six.
11th September 03.23
Off to bed. That’s ridiculous. For all they know I’m a proper high-roller.
11th September 03.18
Nothing, will give it another five minutes then off to bed, I’m bloody knackered here
11th September 01.45
10th September 23.28
10th September 20.11
10th September 16.58
10th September 12.31
10th September 09.30
That’s me up properly now and available for bookings, as they say. Just checked the inbox and there’s nothing from Harrods. I think they’re an hour ahead down there in the summer, but I can never remember.
10th September 06.10
Look at the time. Bloody binmen. You’d think they were playing the drums. Still it could be worse. A couple of years ago I went through a period of waking up at five every morning. I still don’t know why, though I have always suspected it had something to do with me swapping my Spiderman duvet set with Chappy William’s He-man.
One night I was in the pub with Tommy Peanuts and he introduced me to a friend of his who works on the milk. The guy said he was up at half four every morning and I was welcome to give me a call at five if I was bored. So I called him a couple of times when I woke up and we had a decent chat about this and that but then I started sleeping in fine again but the guy kept calling. Even worse, he’d always call from the bath so when I picked up the phone his voice was really loud and with an echo. He sounded like a monster and it would scare me rigid.
In the end I just had to go round to his house one night and ask him to stop calling in the morning. He went in the huff for a while because he said it helped get him through the day but we’re back speaking now. Anyway, I’m off back to bed.
9th September 22.28
From – Bob Servant
To – Harrods (Books)
Well, well, well, old Bobby chatting away to Harrods. Who would have thought it? Anyway, you're probably thinking - Bob Servant, where have I heard that before? Let me put you out your misery. I'm the author, and star, of a new book called Delete This At Your Peril - One Man's Fearless Exchanges With The Internet Spammers.
I am in a dispute with a local branch of Woolworth's, and would just like to check that you'll be selling my book down there in Harrods? I think it will go down a storm with the high rollers. If I was you I would stick it right beside the front door, where the aftershave mob usually hang about.
8th September 11.21
How about this one? When I asked the publishers where my book was going to be on sale they said ‘all good bookshops Bob’. But I have my doubts. I was up in Woolworth's this morning and, although they've heard about the book (who hasn't?) they say it's very unlikely they'll be stocking it. Their book section is only half a yard long and it's mostly maps. I said that if the Lord Provost had brought out a book then I'd bet they'd stock that and they said that unless it was a map that he brought out then he'd be treated just the same.
Anyway, I just said that I wouldn't have wanted them to stock it anyway because it would send the wrong message and walked out with my head held high. Later on I realised that I should have said that Harrods in London were stocking it and if it's good enough for them then who do they think they are? But having said that, I'm not sure if Harrods will be stocking it. I'll email them tomorrow and ask. Right not I need to get myself ready for the Scotland game. Do you think Robson will start? The boy’s got the lot but I don’t know if he’s ready.
7th September 10.00
Well that was an anti-climax. Just went on that Amazon River website and it said that I’d sold 300,000 copies of my book. I couldn’t bloody believe it, then I spoke to the publisher and they said that really meant the book was 300,000 down the list. I already had my jacket on for going to the travel agents. What a let down. One minute you’re going to Disneyland the next you’re hoping the sun comes out so you can go to Visocchi’s for a big dipper.
6th September 18.21
That’s the sport on. What a disgrace. I’m off to meet Tommy for a game of snooker, but it’s going to be hard to concentrate with all this going on.
6th September 18.14
Christ, we’re nearly onto sport. They’re talking about some kid in Fintry that can whistle through it’s nose. This is a joke. Frank just spoke to his mate but he says there’s nothing more he can do and the janitor’s not answering his calls.
6th September 18.08
Some nonsense about parking spaces in Perth.
6th September 18.03
Nothing yet, top story about a bus that fell over in Monifieth
6th September 17.58
If anything it’s got heavier. Frank’s called his mate who delivers the rolls at STV and he reckons it’s a dead cert they’ll have to carry the story about the rain. Frank’s given them my house number in case they need an eye witness report and the guy says he’ll send it on to the janitor at STV and tell him to get the message through to the studio. He’ll have to be sharp though, it’s on in 2 minutes.
6th September 15.13
Still raining. This is unbelievable. Frank says if it rains much longer they’ll have to cover it on the news.
6th September 11.15
Don’t know about you but it’s fair pissing down here. Frank’s coming round with a box of wine and we’re going to have a putting competition in the hall.
6th September 01.30
OH FUCKING BASKETBALL WHAT A SURPRISE
5th September 22.05
How come on the news the guy is just wearing a jazzy tie but looks pretty relaxed but the bird is dressed like she’s off to meet the Queen?
What a cock up.
There’s not much on tonight, just went through the old listings there. There’s some sports show on later on but every time I stay up for these cable shows it’s never football, it’s always some american stuff.
But I’ll give it a wee go. Why not?
5th September 17.52
Anyone watching Neighbours? This business with the old guy seems a bit far-fetched.
5th September 10.12
Just looked at the old calendar there and it’s only four weeks till the book comes out. Christ, that’s fair flown by. It’s a funny thing this book stuff. It’s only now that I’ve got the website and so on that the boys actually believe me when I say it’s coming out.
When I first told Tommy Peanuts he called me Walter Mitty for a week and in the end I had to get the publisher to write me a letter saying how the book’s coming out and so on and I stuck it up beside the dart board in Stewpot’s Bar. I had to move it though because Chappy Williams kept hitting it with darts on purpose but pretending it was by accident.
Other than that, the boys have really got behind me on this. Frank says he’s only ever read James and the Giant Peach but he’ll give it his best shot and you can’t say fairer than that.
4th September 08.43
Morning everyone. Well, I’m up with the birds this morning and I’m not in a bad mood at all. It’s good fun having this thing to come and chat to when I get up, it’s like having a wee pal in the corner of the room always asking what you’ve been up to.
Last night was great fun and it turned out that Frank had got it wrong about Chappy moving his parting from one side to the other. He’d actually seen Chappy in the mirror that Mrs Muffin’s put up on the back wall to cover up the mural they tried to do of all their best dishes but turned into a big mess.
What do you think of the old website? I think it’s the bloody bees knees.
Right, I’m off to Frank’s for some sausages.
3rd September 17.28
Hello there! Well everything’s not too bad at all. Me and Frank went to discuss this over a couple of drinks and in the end we decided that it was all just one of those things. Frank even phoned up Daz’s mum and said that she should take it easy and it wasn’t her fault. Then he said that if Daz had been sick on any of his clothes then it wasn’t a big problem because he could just climb inside the washing machine and wash them himself. Daz’s mum didn’t find that funny either but I suppose she’s probably had a fair bit of that stuff as well.
But she called back a bit later and said that Daz has admitted he made the cocktails himself and so she’s not so angry with us any more. She said there’s no way Daz is going to come round and do any more on my website though, but I don’t think it looks too bad. The photo’s still a bit odd but there you go. Chappy says he likes it because it makes his car look a bit like hovercraft. I don’t think it makes his car look like a hovercraft at all but I didn’t say anything.
Anyway, we had a great afternoon and now I’m just settling in for Neighbours and then Frank and Chappy Williams are coming for some sausage rolls and a few drinks. One issue that is bound to come up is Chappy’s new hairstyle. Frank said that he saw him in Mrs Muffin’s getting a couple of filled rolls earlier and he reckons that Chappy might have moved his parting from one side to the other. I don’t know if it’s true or not. We’ll just have to wait and see.
3rd September 10.35
I’ve had a fucking nightmare. Turns out Daz is only 15 years old. His mum’s just been on the phone going off her bloody head. She says he got home in the taxi but she’s only just got some sense out of him. Apparently the last thing he remembers is walking up my garden path.
I’m not happy myself to be honest. I told her that I just presumed Daz was older because of the fact he has a leather jacket and moustache and she said that a leather jacket doesn’t make any difference to a person’s age and that it’s not a real moustache, he’s just not started shaving yet.
I’m going round to see Frank to see what he’s got to say about this. I’m not going to be the fall guy on this one. No fucking way.
2nd September 17.23
Managed to get Daz in a taxi but I had to pay the boy an extra £20 to take him. His eyes were open though and he seemed a little bit more with it. Well, I suppose that’s what happens when you make up your own cocktails.
2nd September 16.10
Jesus, Daz is in a bad way. He’s asleep on the floor just now and he really doesn’t look too good. He was OK for ages, and got the website looking great. You’ll see we’ve now got some of the emails that are in my book, and a little bit about me and so on. But then Daz started losing it a little bit. He started having a real pop at me, saying I was stupid and I’d written a stupid book.
Then he said he was off to make a sandwich but when I went through to the kitchen he wasn’t making any kind of sandwich I’ve ever seen before. He was just putting food in his mouth then spitting it out into the sink. Then he told me I was an idiot. Then he was sick in the bin. Oh Christ, now he’s crying
2nd September 11.25
Right that’s the kid here, Frank’s nephew. Apparently he’s called Daz. I said, ‘Are you here to get inside my washing machine and clean all my clothes Daz?’ and he said it was a shite joke, which I thought was a bit much but I suppose he’s maybe got that kind of stuff before.
Anyway, I need to get off the computer so Daz can finish getting this website thing up and running. Sorry it’s all a bit of a mess just now but Daz says it won’t take him long to do what the publisher wants. He’s a good kid Daz, he’s away mixing himself up a cocktail just now. I don’t know what it’s called, he’s just putting anything he can find into the tankard I got for Nearest The Bull at last years’ Dartathon at Stewpot’s.
Bit early for me I told him but he’s a real livewire by the looks of it. I’ll maybe have a wee shandy
2nd September 11.10
Hi there. It’s Bob. I see I popped on the old computer last night. To be honest it’s a bit hazy. It was the animal noise competition along at Stewpot’s Bar and I came second with my monkey. I couldn’t argue with the decision, Tommy Peanuts nearly brought the roof down with his octopus. When we heard he was going for the octopus we thought it was a joke and certainly if you’d turned round to me at that point and said that you thought he would win the competition with it then I would have told you that you were a madman.
But, fair play, he did very well. He was just kind of saying, ‘Ooh, I’m an octopus, I’m an octopus”, over and over again but he did this thing with his voice that made him sound like he was underwater. Anyway, it was sensational and I couldn’t argue with the judge’s decision.
Hang on, that’s the door
1st September 23.54
HELLO? DO YOU WANT TO HEAR A MONKEY?
1st September 09.25
This fucking thing. It keeps sending the stuff before I’ve finished. It takes me ages to type as well because I caught my thumb in the door of Chappy William’s car the other morning and the thing is the size of a bloody banana.
That reminds me, I need to get Daz to fix the photo on the website.
Hang on that’s the Batphone. Right that’s the kid, he’s coming round tomorrow now so I’ll leave it till then and give you the full story about old Bob Servant here and this book I’ve done.
1st September 09.22
Hello? Sorry I pressed the wrong button there. This kid’s supposed to be helping me, my friend Frank’s nephew but I don’t know where he bloody is. He was supposed to come round at nine when he finished his paper round but he’s a no-show.
Hopefully this will work but I won’t write too much more for now because I
1st September 09.20
Hello there my name is Bob Servant and welcome to my website. The publisher’s set it up and sent me these instructions. So I’m going to tell you a little