If I don't get this one then I'll bloody chuck it.
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From - Bob Servant
To - FAI (Irish FA)
Sent - Friday 14th December 2007 10.31
Subject - Take a Chance On Me
Hello!
Well, here I am. Bob Servant, reporting for duty to the Irish football team. I’m sorry for the late application, but I only found out today that you’re looking for a new top man when Tommy Peanuts let it slip at Stewpot’s bar. One thing you can never accuse Tommy Peanuts of is not keeping an eye on events.
I remember when he filled Frank and I in during the early Nighties about what was going on in Kuwait. Frank had got it into his head that it was a Golf War not the Gulf War and he nearly dragged me down with him, after telling me his poison for a full week on the windowcleaning round.
So I’d like the job, if it’s OK with you. I’ve never been to Ireland, but I drink Guinness on Sundays and I have always been a massive Wogan fan. I think he’s got the most wonderfully twinkly eyes and he always looks like he’s up to some sort of caper. I’m laughing now even thinking about it. What’s he up to? What’s Wogan up to now? What’s he gone and done now? Oh, God, I’m pissing myself here. Bloody Wogan. Wogan, Wogan, Wogan. He’s a fucking lunatic.
Anyway, about the job. It would be me, Robert Servant, and Frank Theplank. He’s been my right hand man since the burger vans and I’m not going to let him go now. Not when it looks like he’s getting his cousin’s Sierra next month when his cousin goes in for his hernia. There’s talk of Pitlochry for a few days in Stewpot’s timeshare and, I’ll tell you right now, I want to be in the Sierra for that one. Of course, I want to do the music, but I’m not going to make a big deal about it. I’m going to play my cards close to my chest.
So, I know what you’re thinking – It sounds good so far but what’s Bob going to say to the boys before they run out? How is he going to make them play like Bobby Dazzlers?
Well, here’s the thing. I’m not going to say anything, Frank is. I’m going to get all the boys standing in a circle with their strips on and their best boots and then I’m going to turn off the lights and climb up a stepladder. When I get to the top I’m going to turn on a torch and shine it directly down and say, very quietly, ‘In you come Frank’.
Frank will come into the room in his green Incredible Hulk pyjamas (they’re the closest we could come to one of those things, Leper Corns or whatever it is) and stand in the middle of the circle in the special torch spotlight. He’ll be wearing sunglasses for the light and also to protect his dignity because at this point Frank will sing Danny Boy.
My God, you have never heard anything like it. I remember one time I was having a wee piddle in the toilets at Stewpot’s and I heard this sudden burst of Danny Boy. I thought, aye, aye, Stewpot’s got himself a new tape. I went out and said, when did you put the speakers in the toilet Stewpot? He said, I’ve not Bob, were you drinking at breakfast?
I said, for Christ’s sake Stewpot I only did that once by mistake and ran through to the toilets just in time to see Frank come out of the cubicle. I said Frank you were magnificent in there, and he said I would hardly call it that Bob I’m having terrible problems these days, and I said no not that Frank the singing and he said oh aye that, well it’s always been a favourite.
Since then he’s sung it on special occasions in Stewpot’s and it never, ever fails to bring the house down. So when those players hear Frank sing I know for a fact it will make them feel about ten feet tall. Almost as tall as I’ll be on the stepladder. When Frank finishes I’m just going to turn off the torch so it’s dark and whisper,
“I can’t add to that lads. On you go”.
And, once they find the door, they’ll run out and play like the biggest bunch of Bobby Dazzlers you have ever seen in your life.
Come on, what do you say?
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
PS
Sorry this application has come by email, but I was at a loss for how many stamps to use for Ireland. Chappy said half a dozen and Tommy said you had to write AIR MAIL on it in red biro. Frank said he was told once that there was a special tunnel to Ireland that cats and dogs use but then Chappy started laughing and said that it was him that had told Frank that and of course there’s wasn’t a tunnel like that and Frank shouted Oh I Suppose You Think You’re Just The Funniest Man in Broughty Ferry Don’t You Chappy and stormed out the pub. He’ll be alright, don’t worry, and will definitely have calmed down by the time we start work.
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From - Bob Servant
To - FAI (Irish FA)
Sent - Friday 14th December 2007 10.32
Subject - One Last Thing
Sorry, Bob again. I should add that Frank only knows the chorus of Danny Boy. But I don't think that should be held against him and I think my honesty in telling you that should be applauded.